Spiritual Upstream Battle
I fought tooth and nail with the idea that I could possibly be an alcoholic. I didn’t even drink these days. What I did finally come to realize is that when I drink alcohol, I immediately drop the alcohol and go straight to the drugs, because that is what I really want! I like the effect of the drugs. This is where I become powerless. So, I took Step One and admitted that I had no will power when it came to deciding on my own if I could just do a little dope.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I’m struggling right now. I wanna say ‘f’-it and go get high! It seems that every time I try to do the right thing, every time I try to follow someone’s suggestions, I never see results. I am destined to be miserable for the rest of my pathetic life. How can anyone believe in god when he doesn’t exist? I have seen no evidence of his mighty and awesome power! What the fuck has he done for me lately? Nothing!
How can billions of people put their faith into something that could not ever possibly be the reality that they seek? Come on life after we die? Please god is just a reality created by people who wanted to control the masses by imposing their morals on others. Nothing more!
Now that that’s outta the way… Whew! I am so frustrated. I try, and I try, and I try, but I keep getting no results. I try to keep an open mind, I try to concede there is a god of my understanding, but I have just been so screwed over by so many people it seems, then why would god not do it to?
I don’t wanna believe in something that will allow people to suffer only thinking that they will grow spiritually from it. I wanna believe in something that won’t allow pain and suffering. I wanna believe in something that will swoop in and save the day at the very last possible moment. I want to believe that there is a god that will shield me from pain and suffering. I don’t want a god that condemns me for making mistakes. I want a god that helps me avoid making the mistakes. I wanna god that I can respect.
I had to figure out what was going on in my head before I could get to these steps. I do believe that I can’t stay sober on my own, but I am having difficulties thinking that something outside of the physical realm can do it. Faith? If I don’t have faith in people, how can I have faith in something I have to struggle to believe in?
Open mindedness that is what is asked of me. So, okay, I concede there might possibly, although very slightly, be something that is in control of the grand scheme of things. Okay, there might be an all-powerful, all-knowing, super intelligence that has already mapped out my life and yours and everyone else’s, and maybe even has chosen for our paths to cross. No, matter how slim that chance is, it still is a chance.
So. Because I concede there is that minute possibility that some grand-fathered consciousness is watching us like a swarm of ants after a summer shower, I have to go on to the next step.
Navigating the Currents 