Scales

I’ve arrived at Step Four, and I was excited and anxious at the same time.  I was ready for the rigorous honesty regarding the inventory of my deficits and my assets.  When I came to the sex inventory, I came to a road block.  I was ready to face my shortcomings socially, but sexually I was totally not ready to be as rigorous.  I found that I wanted to sidestep the issue and move on to the next step.  I wish that I could bypass this and move to Step Five. 

At a crossroads, I have to stop and say a prayer, because I know that if I go out and use then, I am doomed.  What am I going to

I’m not sure that I want to share that part of myself to anybody.  Even if total confidentiality was ensured.  There are deficits that I am not ready to share with people.  I have to be able to get to the point where I can do this, because my sobriety depends on it.  I can see where people fall off at this point, because I am ready to go get high.

Spiritual Upstream Battle

I fought  tooth and nail with the idea that I could possibly be an alcoholic.  I didn’t even drink these days.  What I did finally come to realize is that when I drink alcohol, I immediately drop the alcohol and go straight to the drugs, because that is what I really want!  I like the effect of the drugs.  This is where I become powerless.  So, I took Step One and admitted that I had no will power when it came to deciding on my own if I could just do a little dope.     

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

-AA- How it Works

I’m struggling right now.  I wanna say ‘f’-it and go get high!  It seems that every time I try to do the right thing, every time I try to follow someone’s suggestions, I never see results.  I am destined to be miserable for the rest of my pathetic life.  How can anyone believe in god when he doesn’t exist?  I have seen no evidence of his mighty and awesome power!  What the fuck has he done for me lately?  Nothing! 

How can billions of people put their faith into something that could not ever possibly be the reality that they seek?  Come on life after we die?  Please god is just a reality created by people who wanted to control the masses by imposing their morals on others.  Nothing more!

Now that that’s outta the way…  Whew!  I am so frustrated.  I try, and I try, and I try, but I keep getting no results.  I try to keep an open mind, I try to concede there is a god of my understanding, but I have just been so screwed over by so many people it seems, then why would god not do it to? 

I don’t wanna believe in something that will allow people to suffer only thinking that they will grow spiritually from it.  I wanna believe in something that won’t allow pain and suffering.  I wanna believe in something that will swoop in and save the day at the very last possible moment.  I want to believe that there is a god that will shield me from pain and suffering.  I don’t want a god that condemns me for making mistakes.  I want a god that helps me avoid making the mistakes.  I wanna god that I can respect.

I had to figure out what was going on in my head before I could get to these steps.  I do believe that I can’t stay sober on my own, but I am having difficulties thinking that something outside of the physical realm can do it.  Faith?  If I don’t have faith in people, how can I have faith in something I have to struggle to believe in?

Open mindedness that is what is asked of me.  So, okay, I concede there might possibly, although very slightly, be something that is in control of the grand scheme of things.  Okay, there might be an all-powerful, all-knowing, super intelligence that has already mapped out my life and yours and everyone else’s, and maybe even has chosen for our paths to cross.  No, matter how slim that chance is, it still is a chance.

So.  Because I concede there is that minute possibility that some grand-fathered consciousness is watching us like a swarm of ants after a summer shower, I have to go on to the next step.

Fish Out of Frigid Waters

I wanted desperately to not feel so isolated, alone, and icky on the inside.  I felt lost in frigid waters.  For some reason, everyone else was able to find temperate waters.  Then there was me.  I was not able to stop this terrible aching in my mind.  I knew that  I was different and different in even other ways than most.  Not only was I not of one ethnic background, I was also gay.  I didn’t even know what that was at first.  I just knew that I was not like normal boys.  When they were looking at the girls as they walked by, I was stealing glances at them.

Imagine my surprise when one night when I was watching the news and realized that the reporter was talking about gay men during a report on A.I.D.S.  I didn’t really pay attention to the A.I.D.S portion of the report, I was stuck on the gay part.  Until that point I thought I was the only one!  Really!

At one time I thought that I was going to live a very depressing and lonely life.  I never dreamed that there may be others like me.  This news report, although heralding bad news regarding the culture I was soon to join, gave me hope for happiness.  I was soon heading to college and I decided that I was going to explore the gay realm then.  I chose Texas Tech University.  The problem that I encountered was that I was fiercely shy and afraid of social situations, especially crowded parties or bars.  So meeting new people, especially gay people, was an insurmountable problem that I didn’t know how to face.

I immediately learned how to drink for a sense of social ease, when I attended some college drinking parties.  I even tried some weed.  Mind you this is not the first time I have experienced alcohol or weed.   Needless to say, I ended up in the hospital the day before my birthday, Jan 1, 1993.  I had been drinking Jack and chasing it with Budweiser.  I remember drinking from both the Jack bottle and the beer bottle.  I also remember going outside into the ice storm and sitting in a hot tub, than had been partially filled but not heated or covered and not completely frozen over.

I woke up in the emergency room with a spit bottle and only my underwear, socks, and shirt on.  I was alone and the doctor told me that I could have died and the I had alcohol poisoning.   Hello 19!  I had competition a few days later, yeah I was a cheerleader and we made it to nationals. 

There are other distinct memories of getting drunk after I went to college.  I went to Juarez, Mexico with the rest of the Nationals cheerleading team.  We went down there during the fall after we were selected to represent the University for national competition.  One of the members was from El Paso and we were going to stay at his house and drive over to Juarez and go drinking.  I remember driving across the border and I was sitting in the front of the s.u.v.  I also remember drinking Flaming Dr. Peppers and shooting cheap tequila.  I also remember doing back flips in the parking lot.  I barely remember the drive back across the border.  What I do know for a fact is that I was super f**d up and I couldn’t sit in t front of the s.u.v.  I was in the very back laying down in the cargo area.  I could barely tell the officer that I was  U.S. citizen, I had to be prompted by my friends in the car.  Whoohoo!  That’s how it’s done!

Calm After the Storm

I was 14 and going in to the 9th grade when I returned to Abilene.  I was nervous the first day of school, because I had been gone for a few years and when dad remarried he moved us to a new part of town, so I had lost contact with all my friends.

I was a loner at school, but I had gained an interest in gymnastics.  So, I signed up for gymnastics and eventually was part of the team.  My grandmother noticed an improvement in my grades.  I seemed to be happier, especially since she moved back to the neighborhood we lived when i was younger.

I started thinking about college and wanted to become an attorney.  That did not happen by the way.  I went to college but only went for a year.  When I came back to Abilene, I wanted desperately to leave again, but I wanted to go to a larger city, like Houston, New York–  just somewhere bigger than Abilene. 

I had decided to go to cosmetology school and get my license (which didn’t happen), then move to a larger city and return to college.  I had gotten in to school in Abilene, then found two jobs– one teaching gymnastics at a private gym and the other in the local gay bar as a d.j.  The schedule was perfect and easy to maintain.  Things seemed to be working out.

Then an ultimatum to get a job with benefits or go into the military.  I argued with her and she said either her way or I needed to move out.  I moved out.  I moved to Dallas and didn’t look back.  I called her two weeks later and asked for money and she sent it to me.  I called again, and she sent it to me, but she said ‘this is the last time and now you gotta do it on your own.  No more money. Period.’ 

I said, ‘okay.’

Rough Seas

Wicked ‘step-b**’ that’s what I called her.  Debra was her name.  Two or three years had passed since the divorce.  I was excited to meet Debra and the possibility of having a mommy was exciting, since mine was out of touch.  She was sweet and loving before the marriage.  Afterwards she transformed into a nasty ‘b**’.  

My dad still worked in the oil fields at the time and was away for most evenings and I was left in her care.  She changed.  Even her own son, told me of some of the abuses he endured.  Over the years I was locked out of the house until dark.  I had to eat my meals cold.  I was made to take cold baths.  One time I was dragged from the tub, thrown into the dirt road and she threw sand on me and rubbed it in.  Yes, I know it sounds incredible, but I really happened.

That having been said I endured other abuses, but I think you get the gist. All these things led me to withdraw from social interaction and I became socially handicapped.  I was afraid of many people, situations, and I really was hyper-sensitive to the smallest comments. 

Socializing at school became increasingly difficult.  My grades suffered and I became rebellious.  I back talked teachers, one time I was sent to in school suspension.  I was in the principal’s office several times and letters sent home to my parents.

I would get in trouble, get a whipping, and grounded.  Dad always sided with Debra.  I began to hate her and to really feel betrayed by my father.  Then I ran away and the result was that I went to live with Granny.  Yeah!

Suspended Animation

So this was the first holiday that I have been sober for in a long time.  The 24 Hour Club was having an event complete with a band and a human suspension demonstration, something I would expect to see at a tattoo convention.

I know that if I was high I would have been totally wrecked then I would have needed some therapy. Watching it was totally hypnotic and terrifying at the same time.  As they swung with the hooks in their back, I totally was waiting for the person to come flying off, the skin ripping from the weight of their bodies.  Totally caught up in the idea of the adrenaline rush that the experience might cause, I secretly wanted to try it!

The hooks were pierced through the skin at the shoulder blades, where an angel’s wings might be attached.  The two demonstrators swung back and forth seemingly like an angel, fairy, or warlock.  I wondered what it felt like floating back and forth actually swinging and twirling, while posing for all the flashes of the cameras.  

I was curious what it felt like afterward, what kind of bruising, or soreness might follow.  I was experiencing amazement, revulsion, excitement, and curiosity all at the same time and it was nauseating.  Like an amusement park ride spinning your body all around in random directions.  I give kudos to those who demonstrated this frighteningly curious feat, because I know that I would not have been able to do it.  I should have asked what kind of preparation is involved.  Definitely not for mainstream society—this has to be part of the S&M underground culture?  I’m not sure.  Human suspension definitely has shock value!

On the other hand I attended the Lambda AA group Halloween event.  It was much more tame, but nevertheless entertaining.  Following the 8p meeting, the group had rented a space a few doors down and presented a drag show featuring some of the members.  Although the event didn’t boast human suspension and live band, it did offer a magnificent production.

The house was packed; with few open spots to stand and enjoy.  The show opened up with “Dude looks like a lady” (Aerosmith) with the performer lip syncing while various versions of male-female and female-male backup came out from behind the curtains.  It was a true nod to the holiday weekend.  The remaining performers gave knock out show definitely nothing to snub your nose at.  I know that I wouldn’t have been able to pull it off.  Luckily they didn’t ask me! 

There was a bidding war for the chance to choose an audience member to be dressed in drag and do a number at the end of the show for the finale.  The closing number was ‘Sweet Transvestite’ from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I wasn’t so sure that the guy was a first time performer. Hmmm!

All in all my first Halloween sober was a lot of fun.  Nope, no alcohol or drugs, just me having a good time with new people I have met in my sobriety.

Baby Malasugi

Malasugi means Blue Marlin in my native tongue of Tagalog.  I was born on the U.S. Naval Base Subic Bay, Zambales, Philippines. Mom is Filipino and dad is caucasian.

“A single female can emit upwards of 5,000,000 eggs (each approx. 1mm in size) at once…the young are what is called “planktonic” and basically float at the discretion of the ocean currents, growing and maturing along the way. Sexual maturity is reached between 2 and 5 years of age.”

– Fly Fisher Discounters

Hi my name is Marlin.  I am 36 and I have a problem with the way I feel on the inside.  I am insecure, afraid, and I feel isolated (even in a crowded room), I also feel abandoned, neglected, and inadequate.  In order to cover up those feelings I turned to outside solutions.  I chose self-destruction.  You will probably not find any of this meaningful, but to me it was monumental. 

The next few paragraphs will be a brief intro to my life until the ‘divorce’. 

Birth – Age 7

I only have one memory of Helen and Marlin together as a child; when they divorced.   I was 7 when mom and dad had a discussion with me about who was to have custody of me.  I had to choose who I was going to live with.  Until that point I had only lived with my mom and did not know my dad at all, I chose dad. 

Although I do have memories of my mother, most are rather vague.  Mom said she was going to San Diego, unknowingly that was the last time I saw Helen.  She sent me presents on my birthday the next year and that was the last time she contacted me (until I was 18).  I was and still am heavily scarred by that separation.  

I was always told how cute I was and that I was such a smart young person and everyone was jealous of my thick black hair.  But I just felt different, I did not look like the rest of my family.  I was an obvious mismatch.  This made me timid and shy. 

Not speaking English very well made it even harder for me to connect with people when I was a young boy.  I spoke Tagalog with my mom and dad, but outside of them, I could barely speak to anyone.  I remember being in the ‘special’ kids classes learning how to speak, read, and write in English.  I continuously felt inadequate and like an outsider.  I wanted to be one of the ‘white ‘kids—I wanted to fit in.

–bluemarlin1974

p.s.  To my parents credit —  I know that they love me like no other parent could.  

Splashing Around

Welcome to my world.  I am swimming around in it with no direction.  I have nothing to show for anything that I have done except for a torn spirit and deep regrets.  I have few friends.  My employment history is ‘sketchy’.  I am homeless, or to say without a place of my own.  I am disconnected from everyone I know, especially my family. 

You might ask: why?  I would like to share that with you over time.  Hopefully, what I disclose will not send you away disgusted.  I just want to be frank about how I have lived my life up until now. 

If you decide to come back and find out, I will welcome you to Navigate the Currents with me.  I am tired of feeling all alone.

-bluemarlin1974